obscured.

sometimes i wonder if im the only one who sees anything the way i do.

sometimes im curious about whether anyone else can see the same sunset,

feel the same ending, or notice the same absense.

or is it just me?

sometimes i wonder if anyone else in the world could maybe be reading this,

and feeling a sigh of relief.

or am i completely alone in this?

is it just me?

a long distance

Woah its been a while since my last blog, probably because I'm quite certain I have no avid readers, and also because I've been away on holiday....

I've decided to slowly let go of all my strings, the ones that keep me bound so tightly with home.

because the reality is, this is my home now,and I need to move on.

ha.

easier said than done hey...

I come from a small town tucked away in the middle of nowhere, where gossip reaches your ears about things you havent even done yet, and everyone you meet knows everyone you already know somehow...

and the thing is, when you leave, if your one of the few that make it out, you dissapear... you become part of the little towns secret history, and they forget you..

much like the Shire in the Lord of the Rings, you can return after saving Middle Earth and the response your likely to get when you walk into the local bar is "Oh. havent seen you in a while, been busy?"

this would be fine, but those people are my life, well, the last four years of it at least, and it pains me to think that the memories and thoughts i so cherish will become dusty old snapshots no one ever looks at, once I've gone.

at least, the one thing I can hold onto is, this town will never change. sure, places will close down and new ones will open, and sure, people will date other people and befriend other friends, but if I ever come home, it will all still be there, in the corner of the world...waiting.

and in the meantime, id like to see the rest. the unexplored. the unexplained. the new...

fake

Liner lines the lies.
Concealer conceals the creep.
Blusher boldens the blood.
Lipgloss for secrets u keep.
Polish poisons ur touch.
Porcelain death,Why do u tempt me so much?
Mascara murdering minds.
Shadow causes a stir..
Beneath that pretty face..
Is only a disgrace.
And a longing to be her.

old notes and past thoughts.

Lying under a thick duvet.even in the suburban heatwave. Feutal position. How ironic. Clenching the bedspread.eyes tight shut. Bite your lip. Even the bile in ur throat is a welcoming distraction. Its all the same. Pull the trigger,cut the veins,tighten the noose.its still ur blood that falls. Ur blood.ur own. Mistake mistake mistake. Fade away. Too sore to sleep.too tired to be awake. Deserve it deserve it. Mistake. One million judgemental voices.not a single helping hand. Vomit. Choke. Distraction. Mistake mistake. Demons hide amongst ur secrets.ur a filthy fuck between the sheets. Mistake. Was it worth it. Mistake. Judge. Pain pain. Fade away fade away.murderer. Mistake. Echoes thru ur mishaken mind. Sinner. Loser. Disgrace. Mistake mistake mistake. Gasp. Fade away fade away.

2.
Gone.
i wrote this little note.on blue lined paper, in pretty pink ink...

i folded it tightly, and sent it away...

but the post man lost it, on one strange rainy day...

and it floated in all the puddles and ponds and lakes...

til it drifted across the sea..

it clung to branches in foreign trees...

and was read in foreign tongues...
my little note

it dined with the finest princes,

and tried to stay warm with the poorest peasants...
it got swept away...

carried over battle grounds...

feilds of daisies...
until.
on ur door step,

my little note,stopped to rest.

weathered and faded.
and only three words.
i wonder if u read it?

for it hasnt yet returned,
my little note.

my last little note.

shelf life

an average friday night for the single girl. several hours consulting professional stylists (er... ur friends and an old dog eared cosmo), make up, primped, preened, lip glossed, heeled up and roaring. time to hit the clubs and pubs and parties, in search of "the one". it takes centuries of planning, perfecting queues, batting eyelashes until you spasm, before finally catching that lush guy at the other end of the bars' attention.
so the conversation starts flowing,(as does the wine...) and things get a little more comfortable. seems this fella is keen! score! he likes that quirky thing you do with your lips! he enjoys that offbeat movie you thought no one else had seen! he simply laughed with delight when you told him your hand-eye co-oridination was worse than a blind amputee. brilliant! and sooo your hopes are high and without even realising it, you start to plan ahead.
flash forward a week (or a month depending on how u play things)and this boy is infatuated. love. could it be?

and then something changes. all of a sudden those things you do start to annoy him. ur little quirks become serious pitfalls. he doesnt laugh so much as he scowls now....

heres the catch. it turns out that not only do we now face the chance that we may never find someone we connect with, but once we have, after all the mellowdrama that entails, we could still lose them, without doing anything wrong! not only do we have to attempt perfection when we meet someone, but it seams like these days, there's no letting your gaurd down.

we already have the pressure of finding someone out there that not only makes our tummy flutter, but that connects with us with regards to humour, life sense and in the bedroom;) and after all the time we spend finding this person, it leaves one with no guarantees. odds are likely in a years time all the things that make you who you are, the things this guy once couldnt get enough of, are now infact, the same things that repulse him.

perhaps in the long run its all worth it and makes us stronger blah blah but talk about pressure! so i think il be giving the whole dating scene a skip and enjoying all my little quirks,which i never grow tired of;)

the optimistic pessimist

Life:Is when the bell rings for the end of break and ur still in the tuckshop line.

Is when u finally fall in love and then get dumped.

Is when the shoes u just bought go on sale a day later.

Is when ur tea gets cold.

Is when it rains on your one day off.

Is when a bird poos on ur shoulder.

Is when u studied ur ass off, for the wrong exam.

Is bills and tax and interest that always needs to be paid.

Is losing ur closest friends, and feeling alone.

Is needing to fart when ur stuck in a room full of people.

Is when u get hurt by the people u loved most.

Is when u grow old.

BUT

Life is also:

The smell after it rains and everythings fresh.

The first time u say "I love u" and mean it...

Is finding money u forgot about in ur jeans pocket

getting something cheaper coz they messed up on the till.

A warm bed on a cold morning, knowing u can sleep for 10 more minutes...

Knowing that ul always have more people to meet.

Is that song u have to dance too.

Is that movie u have to cry in.

Is that photo u secretly wish never found its way onto facebook.

U can't stress about yesterday, u can't predict tomoro.&&this is ur last chance at today.

life. Live it.<33

cyanide and happiness <3

mornings

They are the bane of my existance.
Who was the loser that decided "hey,lets all wake up at the crack of dawn,so that we can enjoy traffic and stress!!"
This morning my 2 year old sister came into my room. She's just started potty training and thought she'd update me on her progress, by actually bringing her potty to show me.
Talk about waking up and smelling the sh*t......
Mornings. They are of no substantial importance to anyone, and should be abolished.
Merde.

hello and welcome to my blog.

there are somethings any weary blog reader needs to know about me before reading my notes and making any form of harsh critism:

i cant sleep.

and no, im not one of those creative insomniacs, you know, the ones who sit up til the wee hours of the night creating million dollar designs or running countries and creating quotes (Winston Churchill was a well-known insomniac.)

i lie in bed awake, simply wishing to be asleep. i love sleeping. i remember once i slept an entire week through (of course, i exhaggerate, i was quite bombed on painkillers when awake though, just having had my wisdom teeth out)but as of late, my mind is on overdrive and i just cant seem to catch the express service to lala land.

i like to ramble on.

i can honestly take any topic and create an essay about it. you know how in high school everyone moaned when the english teacher set the world limit to min 1000? i wasnt one of those kids. i always had to cut down because i was over the limit.

my grammar and spelling leave alot to be desired.

im not here to be graded, im here to rant, so if your one of those people who cant help but correct mispellings and so on, bugger off. i dont care.

i am highly opinionated.

somethings i say without any cruel intentions tend to upset people anyway, thats not the point. please try to read with an open mind and a creative attitude. i believe what i want to and thats not going to change, unless substantial evidence proves what i believe is wrong.

oh also, nothing i have written here has been pinched from anywhere else, and id appreciate it that you dont pinch any of my junk either (could you be so desperate?, i wonder)i take some of the pictures, the rest are uploaded off photobucket or deviantart.

death to subtlety

isnt it annoying that whilst trying to stay in touch with friends via social networks these days, we are bombarded with personal (and often private) information with regards to almost anything?

i read an article in a magazine today saying that "undersharing" can be harmful to your health. they say its good to share even your most intimate and embarresing stories, and sure, while it is fun to reminisc on things like bad hookups and horrible moments with friends, im certain somethings are just better left unmentioned.

but where do we draw the line? with a click of the mouse you can find out just about every gory detail of just about anyone (regardless of if you have ever met this person in real life or if they are only part of some twisted fantasy)facebook alone allows you to see photos, track events and even get the address of anyone on your friend list. stalker much?

you cant log on without reading a sexual or incredibly personal status- sometimes from the people you would least expect, a conservative christian girl i schooled with, once posted "i feel bad about cheating on my boyfriend, but after that many tequilas who wouldnt??!!!"
perhaps after one too many drinks when u decide the world needs to know your views, or after you get hurt by someone dear to you, it seems okay to post a status about it. problem is once the heat of the moment has cooled down, and you realise what youv done, its too late. and a lot of people are left hurt.even if u had no intention of it, words are always misread -and its how rumours start.

social networking may be the way forward, and while its fine to divulge a little more than granny and her friends do, perhaps we should take a little more consideration into good old fashioned manners and discrepency?