perfect ?

we all put up a fence, not to protect us, but to see who else could possibly be strong enough or witty enough to break it down. we hide behind a mask so that the world cant see it when we are vulnerable, and we cover up our tracks so that we have nothing to regret. but what happens when we want to break our own walls down? what happens when being lonely gets too lonely and we are so used to hiding from the truth we cant open up?

insomnicakes.

i have decided i would make a wonderful old person. i wish i lived in the sixties. to hell with feminism and the working world. i want to stay home and bake and knit and drink tea. modern society is bloody overrated. well. its late. i should be doing my uni homework but a bright pink box in my cupboard caught my eye. and well. i decided to bake some lovely little cuppycakes instead. napoleon can wait, its time for a midnight snack :)

wisdom.

in the beginning the universe was created. this upset alot of people and has been widely regarded as a bad move.

- douglas adams.

fairytales.

when did someone wake up and say "ah ! we shall make the week seven days long, and we shall work all but two of those days! " and why did we all agree? im all for the three day long weekend.


come to think of it, who invented time, and why are we all so addament to follow it? perhaps it is 12.30 am now, but who decided that, and why do i have to follow it? i suppose its common interest or nothing would ever get done. but i would like some of this time i keep hearing about. seams like its all slipping away without a trace. think about it. how much time do we actually genuinely spend on ourselves these days? less the eight hours at work, less the two hours in traffic, less the six hours of sleep we are lucky to get, less the remainder of hours we spend making ourselves smarter to impress others, making ourselves look better to suit others, and the time we actually spend with others, really. whats left?

photographs.

been away for a bit. writer's block. here are some delights for the meantime. not all are mine, because the camera i own is a dreadful old hunk of junk. new one soon? im hoping. xx



<3

composure.

shes
f
a
l
l
i
n
g

now.



t
u
m
b
l
i
n
g
down.

eyes closed.
heart racing.
fingers crossed.
her innocence is all but






..lost.

getting CLOSER.
not drifting a p a r t
she can feel him now.
somewhere in her


heart.


the -PrObLeM- with
falling
is.

you eventually
have to
GET UP.

and [dust] yourself off.
and examine the cuts.


but.
she's stuck.


and he's walking away now.

going going gone.



who's gunna help her UP ?

politically correct.

in australian parliament, there is a room filled with pale men arguing profusely about extremely petty issues.

in south african parliament there is a room filled with dark men sleeping through discussions about extremely important issues.

its hard to consider which is worse.

100 things. the Ultimate List

my list of 100 things to do, before i turn 25:)
inspired by the movie, The Bucket List, and also by the fact that everyone I have met that was in their thirties regretted not doing more in their twenties, I have decided to compile a list of 100 outrageous, mind boggling, interesting, adventurous and crazy things to do, before i turn 25. some of these things are on the list to push boundarys, to make me experience new and "out there" things, things I had always been too uncomfortable to do before. some things on this list may seen a bit erotic or sexual, but hey, you only look this good when you are young, so why not flaunt it before it sags? Most importantly though, the things on this list are things one should only do when they are young, carefree, and without contraints of grown-uppy ness. I will most definately try and do all 100 before the time lapse, and i shall try my best to document all of the events, as they occur, by either taking a pic, uploading a tweet, or asking you nicely to take my word for it ;) so here goes. to infinity and beyond !


1. learn to play the guitar
2. learn to surf
3. go back to the great barrier reef
4. ride a horse on the beach
5. dye my hair a bright colour. (okay not exactly a hard thing to do, but still takes guts)
6. sea- kayaking
7. quad biking
8. go to a proper Burlesque show

9. pose for a photographer. (im not saying I'll become a model. but I'd like to do this, because it means I will have to overcome insecurities about my body)
10. pose nude
11. shark cage diving
12. learn french
13. visit Versailles
14. spend an entire weekend partying, without sleeping
15. watch the sunrise

16.get my Honours Degree (not exactly fun, but hey education is important too)
17. go on another CONTIKI !
18. visit the Hollywood Boulevard
19. river rafting
20. visit sydney again
21. have a cocktail on the shore of Bali
22. turn off facebook, any IM network, and email, for an entire week
23. skinny dipping at midnight
24. bury a time capsule
25. vegas!


26. view new york from the empire states building
27. learn german
28. backpack through europe
29. go snow boarding
30. work on an island
31. visit Singapore
32. visit Japan and buy lots of kawaii things !
33. learn japanese
34. write a novel
35. swimming with the dolphins
36. ride the worlds biggest rollercoaster
37. dysney land
38. meet someone famous

39. kiss someone famous. preferably johnny depp. (haha okay, thats unlikely, so I made it quite a broad option instead)
40.visit the Kruger National park
41. buy a tequila for the winner of the next Jbay Billabong Pro i go to
42. go scuba diving
43. sing karaoke
44.visit Alice Springs and Uluru
45. Go to Hyatt Beach, supposedly the beach with the whitest sand on earth
46. spend a months pay check on something expensive. like Jimmy Choo's perhaps !
47. smoke a joint in jamaica
48. visit the red light district in amsterdam
49. Kiss someone in Ireland. (extra points if he looks like Gerard Butler)
50. sailing on a yacht
51. protest in a Green peace rally
52. get a petition signed to increase the laws against abuse offenders, because its insane how much those sicko's get away with
53. build an incredible sand castle
54. take a pole dancing lesson
55. ride on the banana boat again ;)
56. learn to skateboard
57. go on a hike. (this one is hard for me. i am against walking without an actual purpose. i also dislike bugs and grass and mudd.)
58. go camping
59. rent out a van and go on a road trip along the coast
60. send a message in a bottle. (make sure it wont polute the sea though. make sure it floats)
61. go skydiving !
62.go parasailing
63. visit mexico
64. ride a camel
65. visit the pyramids of egypt and see a mummy ! (preferably not one that has come back to life for revenge thanks)
66. visit the great wall of china
67. visit the 7 modern wonders of the world (one down, six to go)
68. get a tattoo
69. go sand boarding
70.break a world record


71.go streaking
72. donate blood
73. go abseiling
74.walk through a tropical rainforest
75. start my own magazine
76.stay in the penthouse suit of a hotel
77. get a tshirt from the hard rock cafe
78. visit the cook islands
79. fly in a vintage plain, like the Tiger Moth Biplane. and go for the extreme ride, not the scenic one
80. go on a hot air balloon
81. see the Kooks
82. draw my own comic book
83. sleep under the stars
84. order every dessert on a resturant menu. and eat it. even if it takes all evening
85. go to the melbourne cup, and dress up
86. ride an elephant at addo
87. last through an entire game of 100 club
88. sleep in a display bed
89. have a scavenger hunt
90.host a theme party
91. learn to drive a car
92. actually. learn to ride a bicycle. (yes, how tragic. i never learnt)
93. get top score at guitar hero
94. go water skiing
95. go jet- skiing
96. go on a cruise
97. design and make my own evening dress. (because if Jenny Humphrey can, so can i)
98. have a superlength tv series marathon. for 24hours straight. skins. how i met your mother.
99. put a down payment on my dream home
100. celebrate a 25th bday party like no other, knowing i completed my list :)

please note, i may extend this list to 150 things... because life is too short for limits. :)

ch- ch- changes

recently someone told me it was unfortunate i was unwilling to change. to grow. well, this got me thinking. the truth is, for so many years, all i have done is change. changed who i was to impress and be accepted. changed to be the perfect girlfriend, the perfect catch, the teacher's pet, the parent's favourite... but then one day i snapped. I realised it was time I became who I am, not who everyone else wanted me to be.

Does this mean I dont want to change? not particularily. It means that I'm going to take a break from change, and just embrace... me.

After all these years I've had becoming who I thought people wanted me to be, I haven't even a clue of who I would like myself to be. Who am I? the question everyone asks themselves at some point in their lives. well my answer is... I dont know. and thats thrilling. I am me, all my flaws included. and for the first time in a very long time, I am happy with that. I shall take the time to discover what makes me tick. whats seperates me from everyone else. what I want. and the reality of it is, if you have a problem with that, take a long hard look at who you are,take heed of your own flaws, and give me a break.

the busstop chronicles

I'm sitting waiting for the bus to work, as usual, when I thought of something... I once read somewhere that all great idea's are thought of when you are walking. I disagree. I think all great ideas are created when you are waiting.
And if we keep speeding things up and making things faster, we won't have that spare moment of time to simply sit and daydream,
And perhaps all our thoughts and ideas will be lost.

People are so addament to make things faster, and yet, now more than ever we are always running out of time.

Maybe we should stop for a minute. Take in our surroundings and just think. About irrelevant things like the future and magic and so forth...

Anyway my bus is here.... More nonsense rants soon.

bang bang, you shot me down.

the best part is there will never be anyone else out there more perfect for you, than me.

the worst part is, the only thing you dont like about me is that im not anyone else.

i tried to change and i tried to stay the same. i said a million things, and i took them all back.

but im done trying now. im all worn out. you've won.

relevance??

on monday the australian prime minister, Kevin Rudd, sent out an official apology to all the Aboriginal and Torres Strait people, because of the atrocieties caused over the last century. (at the beginning of the 1900's australian officials would remove aboriginal children from their homes and place them under orphaned christian care, in order to teach them to adapt a westernised view on the world. they were never reunited with their parents.
although i am not australian and had not heard of this before, i was shocked. yes, it was aweful what they did, and the fact that it has taken them so long to apologize was even more appaling. but what struck me most is how the aboriginals delt with it, moved on with their lives and took the high road.

a similiar story is that of germany. only gaining full independance, in 1990 when the wall of berlin was destroyed, Germany has only been a democracy for a infant-like amount of time, and yet, even though they had to rebuild a war-torn, segregated, and stripped economy of a country, they managed to pull out of their own recession, lament the lost, and become one of the most peaceful and advanced european countries.

this begs me to ask. what about africa? sure, the racial issues carrying through since the times of settlers and slave trade will take more than a decade to sieze. sure, the third world economy and lack of skilled labour due to harsh indigenous education schemes, dubbed "ubuntu learning" will stunt any economic growth. certainly the times will only get worse before they can get better, as we have seen throughout history. but what about the hate? why so much still? surely the jewish community still living in germany do not blatantly murder and rob german familys out of hate?
i have never yet heard of any aboriginal hate crimes.

and yet, the south african "perviously disadvantaged" community will blatantly point their finger at any white man and shout "foe!"

i say this as a generalisation and i realise that it is not the case. i am not trying to create a divide racially in what i have written and by no intentions wish to offend anyone. but i am curious as to why the south african government can so objectively and publically destroy a minority race and the world turns their shoulder, pretending its justified.

i am 21 years old. i was 4 when apartheid finished, and i started school after. anyone in my class, regardless of their race, had the same advantages as myself. and yet my family and my livelihood, community and safety have been threatened because of something the people before me did.

i dont see it happenening in germany or australia, so why my home?

perhaps its because the mentality is still so simple and yet so incredibly wrong.as proven countlessly by our leaders... - that one can only be rascist if they are white. as if.

in my opinion the racial devide in south africa is not because of past events, but because of a strong need to compensate for something. what, i dont know.

we all learn to make mistakes...

hello! been a while. what can i say thats new?
hmmm.
i have discovered that if u warm tea up in the microwave it will never taste as nice.
i also learned how to bake the most incredible cupcakes.

anyway.

notice the changes? this is because im doing what i always do when things get tough. i runaway and change everything. i dont like to be reminded of the past so i delete anything that reminds me of it. this includes my blog and other less important cyber networks i happen to exist in. in real life it means packing my bags again and finding somewhere new.

this time im not going very far... just a 14 day escape along the coast. but my motives arent what they seem. im going to see what the island, the Whitsundays, is like. its just off the coast of australia. if its accessable, im probably going to go live there sometime next year, and disapear off the face of the world for a little while.

*wishes*

im so tired of letting go it gets a bit hard. i feel like cassie on skins, when she ran away after chris died. (yer... im a little bit of a tv series whore, get used to it)

sometimes though, leaving and starting again is the best thing in the world. i wana come back one year with my past forgotten. iv made too many mistakes and its so easy to slip back into old habits if you dont keep check. so for now its sunglasses and a hat and incognito simple times.

hooray.

now, where is my tequila sunrise??

vare vare ammusant.

several reasons my life is simply marvelous at the moment. (please note the serious levels of sarcasm)

1.its past midnight and instead of spooning someone gorgeous and warm, im sitting infront of my computer boring the cybertrons with my typing. said computer has a virus on it, so it keeps crashing too, or peculiar russian pop-ups about "erectile disfunction" appear. charming.
2.i have an essay due on "the odyssey" for next weekend. when i got the manuscript i thought there had been a mistake. i thought they had sent me some foreign translation. turns out it was actually just really dreadful old english.
3. im quite certain that there is a five dollar note lurking in my jeans pocket. but these jeans are somewhere in the midst of my cupboard, a place i dare not venture unless its an emergency.
4.last night i had a dream about facebook...
5... the dream i had before that was about the sims.
6. i spent alot of money having my hair done last week. stripped it, lightened it and had it coloured a honey colour. and NO ONE NOTICED! (might i also mention that my hairdresser is fully pregnant and extremely hormonal? vare vare ammusant. not!)

but all that being said. life is sweet:)

scraps.

this is something i wrote years ago.think i was in grade 7 or 8. probably due to a severe lack of a social life. and because i was such a bloody hippy. needs to be edited. badly. oh well:


The gun fired. The bullet shot through the air, glimpsing nothing but the blurred world around it. Nothing to see except for smears of brown and green across a destroyed canvas. Its journey seamed like a life time, and yet it was only a few short moments. It pierced the soldier’s heart and broke it in more ways than one. He closed his eyes and exhaled. His part was done. The world was no longer his home, his refuge. He was to be judged by god today, and a small smile crept across his face.
Holding his chest, he slowly lifted himself out of the trench. Blood trickled off his dirty fingers and hit the hardened earth. The ringing in his ears grew louder and more painful. And then he could hear nothing at all. He staggered across the dry soil, amongst scattered weapons and the corpses of soldiers. His or the enemies he was unsure, as they were so alike in death.
He could see men with sweat covering their brows, pulling triggers, and others running for cover as grenades were thrown. And yet he could hear nothing. Slowly his vision faded too, and like the bullet that had struck him, he could see only the faint blur of his troops.
He raised a weakened arm as he again collapsed. He could not feel, nor hear, nor see, but he was still relieved. Holding his hand pressed to his heart, he rested and waited. His angel would soon come.

and so the war raged on, and the soldiers fought. waiting in the darkness. for an anwser. for a signal. or perhaps just for an absolution that would never come.

challenge.

i challenged myself to forget myself this week.

yes you read that correctly.

i recently watched The Kite Runner, and albiet a beautiful heartwrenching story, it doesnt really have anything to do with plain old little me.

so why did it effect me so much? i dont really know. wish it hadnt to be honest. there i was, minding my own business one lovely tuesday evening, drinking my tea, when i decided to watch it.

and then WHAM! like being slapped in the face with a frozen herring.i felt awful. not because of the sombre story line, oh no. but because of who i was. (again im not quite sure as to how these two are related, but i am assuming its the movies fault, so bare with me...)

i realised how selfish we have become. we nitpic and argue over the tiniest things in our lives as if they were matters of life and death. we laugh about other people's misfortunes and make crude jokes.we fight and we hate and we ignore.

but worst of all. we are indifferent.

but why?

how can i so easily turn a blind eye to the people who truly need someone. why arent i there for them? what makes me so arrogant that i assume my matters are of more importance? they arent.

the news headlines read about death and war and destruction, and yet instantly forgotten the moment the anchorman starts talking about sport.

we see numbers but we dont see the people.

we see corpses covered in sheets but we never learn their names.

we see guns but we dont feel those bullets.

and for what?

so somewhere someone can have more money? the cruel reality is that that money is ours. its us. yes, thats correct. YOU.

ME.

i guess the movie just shook me out of my dreamlike state, and i awoke to a very cruel reality.

sometimes my heart gets so heavy with the sorrows of the world, and i feel too tired to even cry. sometimes my chest aches as tho i could possibly stop breathing (although this could boil down to a bad habit and my asthma).. but i push it aside and carry on as though its nothing.

i know there must be something i can do. and i think its at least about time i actually tried.

ours is a world of nucleur giants and ethical infants. we know more about war than we know about peace, more about killing than we know about living -Omar. N. Bradley

life is more than fame and rock n roll and thrills,

all the riches of kings end up in wills,

we got information in the information age,

but do we know what life is,

outside of our convenient Lexus cages?- gone by Switchfoot

annoyances.

1. that lady that won the gold in the olympics, and then was accused of being a man. erm, if u thought she was a bloke, perhaps u should have looked into it, BEFORE the race.... and fyi she doesnt have an adams apple. all that aside, should the tests not have been done in private? imagine the psychological effect this has on that girl, if she is one. imagine if YOU won gold at the olympics and got told, "oh er sorry. we dont think a woman can run like that. you must be a man. you look like a man"so offensive, sexist and humiliating.

2. people on facebook. if it werent for the fact that i live miles away i would delete the thing. im so tired of reading rediculous statuses about boyfriends and romance, whilst people try their best to sound artistic or philosophical, but still cant spell AnD TyPE LiKe` ~tHis~. the only thing worse, is people on twitter. every five minutes! oh my word. I DONT CARE WHAT YOUR EATING FOR LUNCH! shove off.


3. awareness groups. child abuse awareness. animal rights awareness. global warming awareness. we are AWARE of all of of this stuff now, thank you. so what are we going to do about it?? stop telling us its happening and tell us how to stop it happening.

4.men. your so determined to make us look crazy and so on. but you do bugger all and when u do u do it wrong. so please, do me a favour and get off ur high horse and put in the same amount of effort we do. and no that doesnt mean chocolates and flowers. grow some balls and be romantic. geez.

more to come.

tea break:)

i have readers!

i just learned people actually read my blog! and its not just driftwood lurking around cyber space!
wowzors wowzors good feelings in my trousorz! (er)

this could explain why so many people have deleted me off facebook recently.

^_^

obscured.

sometimes i wonder if im the only one who sees anything the way i do.

sometimes im curious about whether anyone else can see the same sunset,

feel the same ending, or notice the same absense.

or is it just me?

sometimes i wonder if anyone else in the world could maybe be reading this,

and feeling a sigh of relief.

or am i completely alone in this?

is it just me?

a long distance

Woah its been a while since my last blog, probably because I'm quite certain I have no avid readers, and also because I've been away on holiday....

I've decided to slowly let go of all my strings, the ones that keep me bound so tightly with home.

because the reality is, this is my home now,and I need to move on.

ha.

easier said than done hey...

I come from a small town tucked away in the middle of nowhere, where gossip reaches your ears about things you havent even done yet, and everyone you meet knows everyone you already know somehow...

and the thing is, when you leave, if your one of the few that make it out, you dissapear... you become part of the little towns secret history, and they forget you..

much like the Shire in the Lord of the Rings, you can return after saving Middle Earth and the response your likely to get when you walk into the local bar is "Oh. havent seen you in a while, been busy?"

this would be fine, but those people are my life, well, the last four years of it at least, and it pains me to think that the memories and thoughts i so cherish will become dusty old snapshots no one ever looks at, once I've gone.

at least, the one thing I can hold onto is, this town will never change. sure, places will close down and new ones will open, and sure, people will date other people and befriend other friends, but if I ever come home, it will all still be there, in the corner of the world...waiting.

and in the meantime, id like to see the rest. the unexplored. the unexplained. the new...