bang bang, you shot me down.

the best part is there will never be anyone else out there more perfect for you, than me.

the worst part is, the only thing you dont like about me is that im not anyone else.

i tried to change and i tried to stay the same. i said a million things, and i took them all back.

but im done trying now. im all worn out. you've won.

relevance??

on monday the australian prime minister, Kevin Rudd, sent out an official apology to all the Aboriginal and Torres Strait people, because of the atrocieties caused over the last century. (at the beginning of the 1900's australian officials would remove aboriginal children from their homes and place them under orphaned christian care, in order to teach them to adapt a westernised view on the world. they were never reunited with their parents.
although i am not australian and had not heard of this before, i was shocked. yes, it was aweful what they did, and the fact that it has taken them so long to apologize was even more appaling. but what struck me most is how the aboriginals delt with it, moved on with their lives and took the high road.

a similiar story is that of germany. only gaining full independance, in 1990 when the wall of berlin was destroyed, Germany has only been a democracy for a infant-like amount of time, and yet, even though they had to rebuild a war-torn, segregated, and stripped economy of a country, they managed to pull out of their own recession, lament the lost, and become one of the most peaceful and advanced european countries.

this begs me to ask. what about africa? sure, the racial issues carrying through since the times of settlers and slave trade will take more than a decade to sieze. sure, the third world economy and lack of skilled labour due to harsh indigenous education schemes, dubbed "ubuntu learning" will stunt any economic growth. certainly the times will only get worse before they can get better, as we have seen throughout history. but what about the hate? why so much still? surely the jewish community still living in germany do not blatantly murder and rob german familys out of hate?
i have never yet heard of any aboriginal hate crimes.

and yet, the south african "perviously disadvantaged" community will blatantly point their finger at any white man and shout "foe!"

i say this as a generalisation and i realise that it is not the case. i am not trying to create a divide racially in what i have written and by no intentions wish to offend anyone. but i am curious as to why the south african government can so objectively and publically destroy a minority race and the world turns their shoulder, pretending its justified.

i am 21 years old. i was 4 when apartheid finished, and i started school after. anyone in my class, regardless of their race, had the same advantages as myself. and yet my family and my livelihood, community and safety have been threatened because of something the people before me did.

i dont see it happenening in germany or australia, so why my home?

perhaps its because the mentality is still so simple and yet so incredibly wrong.as proven countlessly by our leaders... - that one can only be rascist if they are white. as if.

in my opinion the racial devide in south africa is not because of past events, but because of a strong need to compensate for something. what, i dont know.

we all learn to make mistakes...

hello! been a while. what can i say thats new?
hmmm.
i have discovered that if u warm tea up in the microwave it will never taste as nice.
i also learned how to bake the most incredible cupcakes.

anyway.

notice the changes? this is because im doing what i always do when things get tough. i runaway and change everything. i dont like to be reminded of the past so i delete anything that reminds me of it. this includes my blog and other less important cyber networks i happen to exist in. in real life it means packing my bags again and finding somewhere new.

this time im not going very far... just a 14 day escape along the coast. but my motives arent what they seem. im going to see what the island, the Whitsundays, is like. its just off the coast of australia. if its accessable, im probably going to go live there sometime next year, and disapear off the face of the world for a little while.

*wishes*

im so tired of letting go it gets a bit hard. i feel like cassie on skins, when she ran away after chris died. (yer... im a little bit of a tv series whore, get used to it)

sometimes though, leaving and starting again is the best thing in the world. i wana come back one year with my past forgotten. iv made too many mistakes and its so easy to slip back into old habits if you dont keep check. so for now its sunglasses and a hat and incognito simple times.

hooray.

now, where is my tequila sunrise??

vare vare ammusant.

several reasons my life is simply marvelous at the moment. (please note the serious levels of sarcasm)

1.its past midnight and instead of spooning someone gorgeous and warm, im sitting infront of my computer boring the cybertrons with my typing. said computer has a virus on it, so it keeps crashing too, or peculiar russian pop-ups about "erectile disfunction" appear. charming.
2.i have an essay due on "the odyssey" for next weekend. when i got the manuscript i thought there had been a mistake. i thought they had sent me some foreign translation. turns out it was actually just really dreadful old english.
3. im quite certain that there is a five dollar note lurking in my jeans pocket. but these jeans are somewhere in the midst of my cupboard, a place i dare not venture unless its an emergency.
4.last night i had a dream about facebook...
5... the dream i had before that was about the sims.
6. i spent alot of money having my hair done last week. stripped it, lightened it and had it coloured a honey colour. and NO ONE NOTICED! (might i also mention that my hairdresser is fully pregnant and extremely hormonal? vare vare ammusant. not!)

but all that being said. life is sweet:)

scraps.

this is something i wrote years ago.think i was in grade 7 or 8. probably due to a severe lack of a social life. and because i was such a bloody hippy. needs to be edited. badly. oh well:


The gun fired. The bullet shot through the air, glimpsing nothing but the blurred world around it. Nothing to see except for smears of brown and green across a destroyed canvas. Its journey seamed like a life time, and yet it was only a few short moments. It pierced the soldier’s heart and broke it in more ways than one. He closed his eyes and exhaled. His part was done. The world was no longer his home, his refuge. He was to be judged by god today, and a small smile crept across his face.
Holding his chest, he slowly lifted himself out of the trench. Blood trickled off his dirty fingers and hit the hardened earth. The ringing in his ears grew louder and more painful. And then he could hear nothing at all. He staggered across the dry soil, amongst scattered weapons and the corpses of soldiers. His or the enemies he was unsure, as they were so alike in death.
He could see men with sweat covering their brows, pulling triggers, and others running for cover as grenades were thrown. And yet he could hear nothing. Slowly his vision faded too, and like the bullet that had struck him, he could see only the faint blur of his troops.
He raised a weakened arm as he again collapsed. He could not feel, nor hear, nor see, but he was still relieved. Holding his hand pressed to his heart, he rested and waited. His angel would soon come.

and so the war raged on, and the soldiers fought. waiting in the darkness. for an anwser. for a signal. or perhaps just for an absolution that would never come.

challenge.

i challenged myself to forget myself this week.

yes you read that correctly.

i recently watched The Kite Runner, and albiet a beautiful heartwrenching story, it doesnt really have anything to do with plain old little me.

so why did it effect me so much? i dont really know. wish it hadnt to be honest. there i was, minding my own business one lovely tuesday evening, drinking my tea, when i decided to watch it.

and then WHAM! like being slapped in the face with a frozen herring.i felt awful. not because of the sombre story line, oh no. but because of who i was. (again im not quite sure as to how these two are related, but i am assuming its the movies fault, so bare with me...)

i realised how selfish we have become. we nitpic and argue over the tiniest things in our lives as if they were matters of life and death. we laugh about other people's misfortunes and make crude jokes.we fight and we hate and we ignore.

but worst of all. we are indifferent.

but why?

how can i so easily turn a blind eye to the people who truly need someone. why arent i there for them? what makes me so arrogant that i assume my matters are of more importance? they arent.

the news headlines read about death and war and destruction, and yet instantly forgotten the moment the anchorman starts talking about sport.

we see numbers but we dont see the people.

we see corpses covered in sheets but we never learn their names.

we see guns but we dont feel those bullets.

and for what?

so somewhere someone can have more money? the cruel reality is that that money is ours. its us. yes, thats correct. YOU.

ME.

i guess the movie just shook me out of my dreamlike state, and i awoke to a very cruel reality.

sometimes my heart gets so heavy with the sorrows of the world, and i feel too tired to even cry. sometimes my chest aches as tho i could possibly stop breathing (although this could boil down to a bad habit and my asthma).. but i push it aside and carry on as though its nothing.

i know there must be something i can do. and i think its at least about time i actually tried.

ours is a world of nucleur giants and ethical infants. we know more about war than we know about peace, more about killing than we know about living -Omar. N. Bradley

life is more than fame and rock n roll and thrills,

all the riches of kings end up in wills,

we got information in the information age,

but do we know what life is,

outside of our convenient Lexus cages?- gone by Switchfoot

annoyances.

1. that lady that won the gold in the olympics, and then was accused of being a man. erm, if u thought she was a bloke, perhaps u should have looked into it, BEFORE the race.... and fyi she doesnt have an adams apple. all that aside, should the tests not have been done in private? imagine the psychological effect this has on that girl, if she is one. imagine if YOU won gold at the olympics and got told, "oh er sorry. we dont think a woman can run like that. you must be a man. you look like a man"so offensive, sexist and humiliating.

2. people on facebook. if it werent for the fact that i live miles away i would delete the thing. im so tired of reading rediculous statuses about boyfriends and romance, whilst people try their best to sound artistic or philosophical, but still cant spell AnD TyPE LiKe` ~tHis~. the only thing worse, is people on twitter. every five minutes! oh my word. I DONT CARE WHAT YOUR EATING FOR LUNCH! shove off.


3. awareness groups. child abuse awareness. animal rights awareness. global warming awareness. we are AWARE of all of of this stuff now, thank you. so what are we going to do about it?? stop telling us its happening and tell us how to stop it happening.

4.men. your so determined to make us look crazy and so on. but you do bugger all and when u do u do it wrong. so please, do me a favour and get off ur high horse and put in the same amount of effort we do. and no that doesnt mean chocolates and flowers. grow some balls and be romantic. geez.

more to come.

tea break:)

i have readers!

i just learned people actually read my blog! and its not just driftwood lurking around cyber space!
wowzors wowzors good feelings in my trousorz! (er)

this could explain why so many people have deleted me off facebook recently.

^_^

obscured.

sometimes i wonder if im the only one who sees anything the way i do.

sometimes im curious about whether anyone else can see the same sunset,

feel the same ending, or notice the same absense.

or is it just me?

sometimes i wonder if anyone else in the world could maybe be reading this,

and feeling a sigh of relief.

or am i completely alone in this?

is it just me?

a long distance

Woah its been a while since my last blog, probably because I'm quite certain I have no avid readers, and also because I've been away on holiday....

I've decided to slowly let go of all my strings, the ones that keep me bound so tightly with home.

because the reality is, this is my home now,and I need to move on.

ha.

easier said than done hey...

I come from a small town tucked away in the middle of nowhere, where gossip reaches your ears about things you havent even done yet, and everyone you meet knows everyone you already know somehow...

and the thing is, when you leave, if your one of the few that make it out, you dissapear... you become part of the little towns secret history, and they forget you..

much like the Shire in the Lord of the Rings, you can return after saving Middle Earth and the response your likely to get when you walk into the local bar is "Oh. havent seen you in a while, been busy?"

this would be fine, but those people are my life, well, the last four years of it at least, and it pains me to think that the memories and thoughts i so cherish will become dusty old snapshots no one ever looks at, once I've gone.

at least, the one thing I can hold onto is, this town will never change. sure, places will close down and new ones will open, and sure, people will date other people and befriend other friends, but if I ever come home, it will all still be there, in the corner of the world...waiting.

and in the meantime, id like to see the rest. the unexplored. the unexplained. the new...

fake

Liner lines the lies.
Concealer conceals the creep.
Blusher boldens the blood.
Lipgloss for secrets u keep.
Polish poisons ur touch.
Porcelain death,Why do u tempt me so much?
Mascara murdering minds.
Shadow causes a stir..
Beneath that pretty face..
Is only a disgrace.
And a longing to be her.

old notes and past thoughts.

Lying under a thick duvet.even in the suburban heatwave. Feutal position. How ironic. Clenching the bedspread.eyes tight shut. Bite your lip. Even the bile in ur throat is a welcoming distraction. Its all the same. Pull the trigger,cut the veins,tighten the noose.its still ur blood that falls. Ur blood.ur own. Mistake mistake mistake. Fade away. Too sore to sleep.too tired to be awake. Deserve it deserve it. Mistake. One million judgemental voices.not a single helping hand. Vomit. Choke. Distraction. Mistake mistake. Demons hide amongst ur secrets.ur a filthy fuck between the sheets. Mistake. Was it worth it. Mistake. Judge. Pain pain. Fade away fade away.murderer. Mistake. Echoes thru ur mishaken mind. Sinner. Loser. Disgrace. Mistake mistake mistake. Gasp. Fade away fade away.

2.
Gone.
i wrote this little note.on blue lined paper, in pretty pink ink...

i folded it tightly, and sent it away...

but the post man lost it, on one strange rainy day...

and it floated in all the puddles and ponds and lakes...

til it drifted across the sea..

it clung to branches in foreign trees...

and was read in foreign tongues...
my little note

it dined with the finest princes,

and tried to stay warm with the poorest peasants...
it got swept away...

carried over battle grounds...

feilds of daisies...
until.
on ur door step,

my little note,stopped to rest.

weathered and faded.
and only three words.
i wonder if u read it?

for it hasnt yet returned,
my little note.

my last little note.

shelf life

an average friday night for the single girl. several hours consulting professional stylists (er... ur friends and an old dog eared cosmo), make up, primped, preened, lip glossed, heeled up and roaring. time to hit the clubs and pubs and parties, in search of "the one". it takes centuries of planning, perfecting queues, batting eyelashes until you spasm, before finally catching that lush guy at the other end of the bars' attention.
so the conversation starts flowing,(as does the wine...) and things get a little more comfortable. seems this fella is keen! score! he likes that quirky thing you do with your lips! he enjoys that offbeat movie you thought no one else had seen! he simply laughed with delight when you told him your hand-eye co-oridination was worse than a blind amputee. brilliant! and sooo your hopes are high and without even realising it, you start to plan ahead.
flash forward a week (or a month depending on how u play things)and this boy is infatuated. love. could it be?

and then something changes. all of a sudden those things you do start to annoy him. ur little quirks become serious pitfalls. he doesnt laugh so much as he scowls now....

heres the catch. it turns out that not only do we now face the chance that we may never find someone we connect with, but once we have, after all the mellowdrama that entails, we could still lose them, without doing anything wrong! not only do we have to attempt perfection when we meet someone, but it seams like these days, there's no letting your gaurd down.

we already have the pressure of finding someone out there that not only makes our tummy flutter, but that connects with us with regards to humour, life sense and in the bedroom;) and after all the time we spend finding this person, it leaves one with no guarantees. odds are likely in a years time all the things that make you who you are, the things this guy once couldnt get enough of, are now infact, the same things that repulse him.

perhaps in the long run its all worth it and makes us stronger blah blah but talk about pressure! so i think il be giving the whole dating scene a skip and enjoying all my little quirks,which i never grow tired of;)

the optimistic pessimist

Life:Is when the bell rings for the end of break and ur still in the tuckshop line.

Is when u finally fall in love and then get dumped.

Is when the shoes u just bought go on sale a day later.

Is when ur tea gets cold.

Is when it rains on your one day off.

Is when a bird poos on ur shoulder.

Is when u studied ur ass off, for the wrong exam.

Is bills and tax and interest that always needs to be paid.

Is losing ur closest friends, and feeling alone.

Is needing to fart when ur stuck in a room full of people.

Is when u get hurt by the people u loved most.

Is when u grow old.

BUT

Life is also:

The smell after it rains and everythings fresh.

The first time u say "I love u" and mean it...

Is finding money u forgot about in ur jeans pocket

getting something cheaper coz they messed up on the till.

A warm bed on a cold morning, knowing u can sleep for 10 more minutes...

Knowing that ul always have more people to meet.

Is that song u have to dance too.

Is that movie u have to cry in.

Is that photo u secretly wish never found its way onto facebook.

U can't stress about yesterday, u can't predict tomoro.&&this is ur last chance at today.

life. Live it.<33

cyanide and happiness <3

mornings

They are the bane of my existance.
Who was the loser that decided "hey,lets all wake up at the crack of dawn,so that we can enjoy traffic and stress!!"
This morning my 2 year old sister came into my room. She's just started potty training and thought she'd update me on her progress, by actually bringing her potty to show me.
Talk about waking up and smelling the sh*t......
Mornings. They are of no substantial importance to anyone, and should be abolished.
Merde.

hello and welcome to my blog.

there are somethings any weary blog reader needs to know about me before reading my notes and making any form of harsh critism:

i cant sleep.

and no, im not one of those creative insomniacs, you know, the ones who sit up til the wee hours of the night creating million dollar designs or running countries and creating quotes (Winston Churchill was a well-known insomniac.)

i lie in bed awake, simply wishing to be asleep. i love sleeping. i remember once i slept an entire week through (of course, i exhaggerate, i was quite bombed on painkillers when awake though, just having had my wisdom teeth out)but as of late, my mind is on overdrive and i just cant seem to catch the express service to lala land.

i like to ramble on.

i can honestly take any topic and create an essay about it. you know how in high school everyone moaned when the english teacher set the world limit to min 1000? i wasnt one of those kids. i always had to cut down because i was over the limit.

my grammar and spelling leave alot to be desired.

im not here to be graded, im here to rant, so if your one of those people who cant help but correct mispellings and so on, bugger off. i dont care.

i am highly opinionated.

somethings i say without any cruel intentions tend to upset people anyway, thats not the point. please try to read with an open mind and a creative attitude. i believe what i want to and thats not going to change, unless substantial evidence proves what i believe is wrong.

oh also, nothing i have written here has been pinched from anywhere else, and id appreciate it that you dont pinch any of my junk either (could you be so desperate?, i wonder)i take some of the pictures, the rest are uploaded off photobucket or deviantart.

death to subtlety

isnt it annoying that whilst trying to stay in touch with friends via social networks these days, we are bombarded with personal (and often private) information with regards to almost anything?

i read an article in a magazine today saying that "undersharing" can be harmful to your health. they say its good to share even your most intimate and embarresing stories, and sure, while it is fun to reminisc on things like bad hookups and horrible moments with friends, im certain somethings are just better left unmentioned.

but where do we draw the line? with a click of the mouse you can find out just about every gory detail of just about anyone (regardless of if you have ever met this person in real life or if they are only part of some twisted fantasy)facebook alone allows you to see photos, track events and even get the address of anyone on your friend list. stalker much?

you cant log on without reading a sexual or incredibly personal status- sometimes from the people you would least expect, a conservative christian girl i schooled with, once posted "i feel bad about cheating on my boyfriend, but after that many tequilas who wouldnt??!!!"
perhaps after one too many drinks when u decide the world needs to know your views, or after you get hurt by someone dear to you, it seems okay to post a status about it. problem is once the heat of the moment has cooled down, and you realise what youv done, its too late. and a lot of people are left hurt.even if u had no intention of it, words are always misread -and its how rumours start.

social networking may be the way forward, and while its fine to divulge a little more than granny and her friends do, perhaps we should take a little more consideration into good old fashioned manners and discrepency?